I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
