I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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