If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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