once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
