Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
