He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
