All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Dignity is for republicans.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
