i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
