Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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