Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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