...so i touched it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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