God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately