Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
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Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
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She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart