Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
