see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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