When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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