my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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