You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
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please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
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His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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