i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
