I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
