I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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