there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
