i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
