seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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