Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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