Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
