i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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