it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
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Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
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Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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