Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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