she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
