dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
