Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
