just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
