I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
