It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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