That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
