i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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