Sry I called you an 8
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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