You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
