This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
