I think im going to throw up on grandma
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
