Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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