I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
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So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
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What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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