Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
