While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
