oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
