her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
