man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
