I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
