I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
