Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
