Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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