K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
