Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
