Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
He shit in the fireplace
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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