Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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