you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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